Tag: Gwyn ap Nudd

The Story of the Spirit of the Sanctuary

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I was born from a rose bush
planted by Creiddylad – black, white and red.
My black sister is dead and my white sister is gone.

I wanted to be kind but I could not escape my thorns.

I fled from this world and wrapped myself
around the fortress of Annwn’s King.

I would not let Creiddylad in.

I wanted to be kind but I was cruel.

“It will always be winter here.
He will always wear my crown.
He will never return to gather the dead.
We will sleep together amongst His treasures for ever.”

“I planted you, I nurtured you,” Creiddylad wept, 
her tears pouring down around my roots.
“Each one of your petals I made 
from a tiny piece of my heart.”

“Then why am I so cruel?”

“Because there is cruelty
hidden deep within my heart –
that is why I practice kindness every day.”

“Then I can be kind too?”

“Yes.”

“Then what must I do?”

“Leave Annwn, leave my King,
return to the world to be a sanctuary
for another, who like you, has been cruel,
but longs to learn to love, to be kind, to heal.”

So I unwrapped my trestles and I threw down my thorns
and prostrated myself at Creiddylad’s feet
in my first act of kindness promising
there will be many more.

I Am Home

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‘I have finally arrived. I am home.’ 

This insight came to me after I had been considering taking my monastic vows for the third time this year whilst looking ahead to lifelong vows next year. If I am to pledge to being a nun of Annwn for life what will this life look like?

When I founded the Monastery of Annwn at first I dreamt it might become a physical reality. I drew up an ambitious plan with a central temple, underground shrines, healing huts, an arts centre, circles of huts for the monastic devotees, a garden, compost loos, a burial ground…*. Shortly afterwards I realised living in, let alone running, such a large and busy place would be more Uffern ar y Ddaer ‘Hell on Earth’ than abiding close to Annwn for me.

Still, as I continued to follow as monastic-a-path as I could while living with my parents in suburban Penwortham, I spent a lot of time dreaming of alternatives for a physical monastery. What about a large house with land? What about beginning with a small house with 2 – 3 monastics sharing the space? 

As my practice of being present and aware for Gwyn has progressed and I’ve got a lot better at watching and knowing myself as I undertake my daily activities I’ve come to realise that although I enjoy spending a limited amount of time holding sacred space for others I really appreciate having my morning and evening prayer and meditation times solely with my Gods and spirits.

Also, as I’m autistic and thrive on order and routine, in spite of my meditation practices helping me become more responsive and less reactive, I still get incredibly irritable and resentful if others make a mess or interrupt me. This is with my parents, who are relatively quiet and orderly. I dread to think of what I might be like with others with different personalities. I wouldn’t be prepared to change my diet or routine and thus couldn’t expect others to fit with mine. I’m also aware that my main trigger for autistic burnout and meltdowns is organising other people to do things and even worse doing things by committee.

So, finally, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to run or even be in a monastery. And this is fine because a few months ago I discovered the Carmelite model for lay monasticism and have since then been exploring how this suits me. Perfectly it turns out. I have a couple of hours in the morning and evening for prayer and meditation and the rest of my day is dedicated to shamanic work, studying, writing, housework, gardening and occasional conservation volunteering. I’m still ‘allowed’ to go to the gym.

I recently put forward the model of the monastery functioning as a support structure enabling us to serve our Gods as lay monastics bringing inspiration and wisdom from Annwn to the world, to the other members. Those who replied agreed it fits with them as most have family and work commitments.

Putting aside my hopes and fears around founding a physical monastery has allowed me to fully come home to my life as a lay nun in present-day Penwortham. It allows me to be happier and more present for Gwyn. And, most importantly, it pleases Gwyn too, because the more present I am in the world, the better I am at presencing Him and being of service to Him and my communities.

And my recently planted sanctuary rose bush has bloomed which I take to be a good sign.

*https://lornasmithers.wordpress.com/2024/05/17/dreaming-the-monastery-of-annwn/

By Your Anger and Your Arrow – On Invoking Rudra and Gwyn

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In a recent article I mentioned my discovery that yoga and tantra originate from Shaivism, ‘the Path of evoking Shiva’, ‘a system of mysticism rooted in indigenous shamanism’ which existed before the beginning of the Vedic period (1).

This got me really excited as it provided evidence that yoga has shamanic origins and that Shiva, ‘Lord of Yoga,’ was the God of this pre-vedic system. As a Brythonic polytheist and shamanic guide I associate my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, a King of Annwn (the Otherworld) with shamanic practices and have come to know Him as a ‘Master of Meditation’.

These similarities led me to looking for the earliest textual references to Shiva. I found out that He was earlier known by the name Rudra – ‘Roarer’ or ‘Howler’. By this name He shares many similarities with Gwyn as a God of hunting, wind and storms, and healing. Rudra is the leader of the Maruts or Rudras – storm Deities who are His sons. Gwyn and His ‘family’ are associated with ‘the province of the wind’ (2). Gwyn is a leader of the Wild Hunt, which is a similar phenomenon.

The oldest hymns to Rudra appear in the Rig Veda (1500BCE). In her introduction Wendy Doniger describes Him as follows: ‘Rudra is a liminal figure… invoked with Vedic hymns but not invited to partake in the regular Vedic sacrifice; as the embodiment of wildness and unpredictable danger, he is addressed more with the hope of keeping him at bay than with the wish to bring him near… Though only three entire hymns in the Rig Veda are addressed to Rudra, the rich ambivalence of his character is the basis of an important line of Indian theology that culminates in the Hindu god Śiva. Rudra is fierce and destructive like a terrible beast, like a wild storm; the sage begs him to turn his malevolence elsewhere. Yet Rudra is not merely demonic, for he is the healer and cooler as well as the bringer of disease and destructive fever’ (3).

I found this description striking and it reminded me very much of Gwyn, who shares an outsider status as a wild God who is revered and feared. Gwyn and the spirits of Annwn, like the Irish andedion ‘ungods’, also exist outside the ‘pantheons’ of culture Gods – the Children of Don  and the Tuatha De Dannan (4). This is suggestive of their origins in an earlier wilder shamanic culture.

Gwyn shares with Rudra a ‘rich ambivalence’. As the leader of the spirits of Annwn He contains their aryal ‘fury’ and demonic nature yet, at the same time, He is the Deity who holds it back to prevent the destruction of the world (5). These spirits share many similarities with the Maruts, or Rudras, the sons of Rudra. Rudra is also said to have power over the Asuras, ‘demons’.

Like Rudra, Gwyn is viewed as being able to bring disease and destruction and, contrastingly, is seen as a healer. In the fourteenth century He was invoked to heal the effects of the Evil Eye as recorded in The Speculum Christiani: ‘Some stupid people also stupidly go to the door holding fire and iron in the hands when someone has inflicted illness, and call to the King of the Benevolent Ones and his Queen, who are evil spirits, saying, “Gwyn ap Nudd who are in the forests for the love of your mate allow us to return home” (6).

It is very interesting to see Gwyn referred to as the King of the Benevolent Ones. This, like the term Tylwyth Teg, ‘Fair Family,’ is a euphemism for His spirits similar to how the Greek furies are referred to as the Eumenides, ‘Kindly Ones’. Likewise, Rudra is implored for His ‘kindness’. Gwyn’s name, which means ‘white, blessed, holy,’ might be seen as a similar appellation.

In ‘Rudra, Father of the Maruts’, Rudra is called upon to send ‘kindess’ and ‘healing medicine’, to drive away ‘hatred’, ‘anguish’ and ‘disease’ and to ward off ‘attacks and injury’. He is petitioned as ‘the best healer’ and as a protector who takes the form of a ‘tawny and amazing bull’ carrying ‘arrows and bow’ (7). In this apparel He bears striking similarities with Gwyn, who appears as a warrior-huntsman and ‘bull of battle’ in The Black Book of Carmarthen (8).

In ‘Have Mercy on us Rudra’ He is again petitioned to show ‘kindness’, to offer ‘protection, shelter, refuge’ and to hold back His destructive power. ‘Do not kill our father or our mother, nor harm the bodies dear to us.’ ‘Keep far away from us your cow-killing and man-killing power, O ruler of heroes’ (9). Here, like Gwyn, whose horse tramples armies like felled reeds to the ground (10) He brings death. ‘Ruler of heroes’ resembles Gwyn’s epithet ‘Lord of Hosts.’

Intriguingly we find the lines: ‘We call down for help the dreaded Rudra… the sage who flies.’ (11) This might refer to Rudra’s mastery of shamanic soul-flight. 

In the Yajur Veda we find a hymn to Rudra called ‘Shri Rudram’ which is divided into two parts. In the Namakam, Rudra is invoked by a number of names to stay His bow and arrow and destructive tendencies and to bring happiness and peace. ‘Oh! Rudra Deva! My salutations to your anger and your arrows. My salutations to your bow and to your pair of hands. Oh! Destroyer! By that arrow of yours, that bow of yours and that quiver of yours which have become the most peaceful make us happy’ (12).

Here Rudra and the Rudras are intimately associated with forests and trees. We find lines where They share similarities with the spirits of Annwn or fairies who, in The Life of St Collen, wear garments of red and blue and offer a delicious banquet (13). ‘Those Rudras who exist in trees as their overlords, yellow-hued, like tender grass, crimson and blue-necked… lords of ghosts and spirits… those Rudras who are protectors of the pathways, the givers of food’ (14).

The Chamakan is a series of petitions to Rudra for health and good fortune. ‘Let the life forces and vital airs of Prana, Apana and Vyana function properly in me.’ ‘Let me have well functioning sense organs with clear eye sight and clear hearing.’ ‘May I be granted happiness in this world and the other world’ (15).

These early hymns show how Rudra was invoked in the vedic times and hint at His function in an earlier wilder shamanic culture. At their heart lies Rudra’s ambivalent nature – His fierceness and His kindness – qualities He shares with Gwyn. Thus, they offer clues to how Gwyn (by His earlier name Vindos) might have been praised and called upon by the Brythonic people around 1500BCE and might serve as inspiration for new hymns from modern devotees.

REFERENCES

  1. Swami Nischalananda, Insight into Reality, (Kindle Edition, 2019), p387
  2. Dafydd ap Gwilym, Poems, (Gomer Press, 1982), p131
  3. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p219 – p222
  4. Similar wild outsider Gods are found in other Indo-European cultures such as Dionysus to the Olympian Gods in the Greek tradition and the Vanir to the Aesir in the Norse tradition.
  5. ‘Gwyn ap Nudd… God has put the spirit of the demons of Annwfn in Him, lest the world be destroyed.’Sioned Davies, The Mabinogion, (Oxford University Press, 2007),p199
  6. Angelika H. Rudiger, ‘Gwyn ap Nudd: Transfigurations of a character on the way from medieval literature to Neo-pagan beliefs’, Gramayre: The Journal of the Sussex Centre for Folklore, Winter 2012, Issue 2 
  7. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p222 – 223
  8. https://awenydd.weebly.com/the-conversation-between-gwyn-ap-nudd-and-gwyddno-garanhir.html
  9. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p224 – 225
  10. https://awenydd.weebly.com/the-conversation-between-gwyn-ap-nudd-and-gwyddno-garanhir.html
  11. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p224 – 225
  12. https://www.sathyasai.org/sites/default/files/pages/eternal-companion/vol-4/issue-3/rudram-namakam-chamakam.pdf p1-2
  13. https://www.maryjones.us/ctexts/collen.html
  14. Ibid. p23

The Universe Unrolls from His Heart – Thoughts on Kashmir Shaivism and Annuvian Monasticism

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‘He becomes intent to roll out the entire splendour of the Universe that is contained in His heart…’
~ Swami Maheshwarananda

When I first started practicing yoga in 2022 in the hope it would help with my hip and knee problems I had no idea that I would fall in love not only with the asana ‘postures’ but with pranayama ‘breathwork’ and dhayana ‘meditation’. I never guessed that I would find such astonishing parallels between the Hindu God Shiva, ‘Lord of Yoga’, and my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, who presented Himself to me as our Brythonic ‘Master of Meditation’. Both, I realised, come from a shared Indo-European origin.

I found similarities exist between Shiva and Gwyn on a symbolic level. Both are associated with bulls and serpents and with intuitive insight and visionary experience. Shiva’s often seen as a destroyer and Gwyn has destructive potency as a leader of the Wild Hunt and the God who holds back the fury of the ‘devils’ of Annwn in order to prevent their destruction of the world.

There’s a story about Shiva riding down the mountain to His wedding feast on a huge bull ‘covered in snakes and ash’ ‘with ghosts and demons’ ‘some had their mouths in their stomachs, some had only one foot and some had three’. Yet when He and His company ‘crossed the wedding portals’ and entered the presence of His bride, Shakti, they were transfigured into ‘a handsome young man’ and ‘divine beings’ (1). This spoke immediately to me of the paradoxical nature of Gwyn and the spirits of Annwn who are referred to both as furious ‘devils’ and as beautiful and beneficent fair folk.

Whilst studying yogic meditation in more depth with the Mandala Yoga Ashram I discovered an incredible text called the Vigyana Bhairava Tantra from the Kasmir Shaivite tradition.The ashram founder, Swami Nischalanda, refers to it as his Bible and many of the practices within the ashram derive from it. Over recent months I have taken a short course (2) and read Swamiji’s exposition of it in Insight Into Reality from which I gleaned many insights.

Bhairava ‘Fearsome’ or ‘Awe-Inspiring’ is another name for Shiva which evokes qualities of Gwyn, whilst vigyana means ‘insight’ and tantra ‘techniques’. The text is also known as Shiva Vigyana Upanishad ‘The Secret Teachings of Shiva’. Within, Bhairava addresses His consort, Bhairavi as His Beloved and student, teaching Her in 112 dharanas ‘concentrations / lessons’ how to gain insights into the fundamental nature of reality. As I’ve been listening to and practicing the dharanas I have felt that Gwyn is speaking through it to me as His student and beloved as a nun of Annwn.

In The Edge of Infinity Swami Nischalananda provides an account of the history of Kashmir Shaivism. He says: ‘In the past, tantra was widely known as Shaivism, ‘the Path of Evoking Shiva’, a system of mysticism rooted in indigenous shamanism. It existed  throughout India well before 1500 CE, the start of the vedic period’ (3). Tantra, as an oral tradition, predates the Vedic texts, with its first scriptures emerging in the first millenium CE. Kashmir Shaivism originated in 850 CE with one of the main texts being the Shiva Sutras which were gifted to Vasugupta by Shiva in a dream. The Vigyana Bhairava Tantra is central and was written down around 7 – 800CE.

I was incredibly excited to find out that a number of texts, such as Pratyabhijna Hridayam ‘The Heart of Recognition’ and The Triadic Heart of Shiva, refer to the universe unfolding from Shiva’s heart and to His residence in the heart. 

‘When He becomes intent to roll out the entire splendour of the Universe that is contained in His heart… he is designated as Sakti.’ (4)

‘The Heart, says Abhinavagupta, is the very Self of Siva, of Bhairava, and of the Devi, the Goddess who is inseparable from Siva. Indeed, the Heart is the site of their union (yamala), of their embrace (samghata). This abode is pure consciousness (caitanya) as well as unlimited bliss (ananda)… The Heart, says Abhinavagupta, is the sacred fire-pit of Bhairava. The Heart is the Ultimate (anuttara) which is both utterly transcendent to (visvottirna) and yet totally immanent in (visvamaya) all created things. It is the ultimate essence (sãra). Thus, the Heart embodies the paradoxical nature of Siva and is therefore a place of astonishment (camatkara), sheer wonder (vismaya), and ineffable mystery. The Heart is the fullness and unboundedness of Siva (purnata), the plenum of being that overflows continuously into manifestation. At the same time, it is also an inconceivable emptiness (sunyatisunya). The Heart is the unbounded and universal Self (purnahantä).’ (5)

‘He, truly, indeed, is the Self (atman) within the heart, very subtle, kindled like fire, assuming all forms. This whole world is his food. On Him creatures here are woven. He is the Self, which is free from evil, ageless, deathless, sorrowless, free from uncertainty, free from fetters, whose conception is real, whose desire is real. He is the Supreme Lord. He is the ruler of beings. He is the protector of beings. This Soul, assuredly, indeed, is Isana, Sambhu, Bhava, Rudra.’ (6) (The names at the end are all epithets of Shiva).

Reading these words was meaningful for me because Gwyn revealed to me that His heart is the Heart of Annwn ‘Very Deep’ (the Brythonic Otherworld). During my practice of playing the heartbeat of Annwn on my drum for an hour every week I have experienced visions of the universe and its people being born from Annwn like red blood pouring from His heart and returning at death like blue blood. When we entered a sacred marriage He came to dwell within my heart as ‘the Heart of my Heart’. I was told that my heart is also the Heart of Annwn and the universe unrolls from my heart (which fits with the practices emphasising the importance of the heart-space in yoga).

As I read more about Kashmir Shaivism I found further similarities with the cosmology I have been gifted in visions from Gwyn. In Kashmir Shaivism the fundamental ground of reality is Brahman or Parama ‘Ultimate’ Shiva. In mythology it is represented as the serpent-king Nagaraja ‘the infinite… who spreads out the universe with thousands of hooded heads, set with blazing, effulgent jewels’ (7). Before I had read these lines I was shown that the ground of reality is Anrhuna, the Mother of Annwn, the Dragon Mother, who has nine dragon heads with jewels in their foreheads and an infinite number of coils. 

In a vision I was shown how Anrhuna was slaughtered and Gwyn and His sister, Creiddylad, were torn from Her womb. Through eating His mother’s heart Gwyn inherited the Heart of Annwn and became King of Annwn (8). Creiddylad brought life to the world as the energy behind creation – the ‘green fuse’ of vegetative life and by breathing life into living creatures. 

This bears a resemblance with Kashmir Shaivism wherein Brahman divides into Shiva (Consciousness) and Shakti (energy and matter). There are parallels between the Heart of Annwn being the source of the universe from which all living beings are born and to which they return and the Heart of Shiva being the source of all energy and matter manifesting as Shakti.

Intriguingly, the first three dharanas in the Vigyana Bhairava Tantra focus on the origin and end points of the breath. When I practice these exercises I find myself contemplating how Creiddylad gave breath to life and Gwyn takes it away.

Finding these similarities between Kashmir Shaivism and the Annuvian monasticism I am developing for Gwyn has been revealing and exciting. I’m sure there is much more to be discovered as I continue with my research and practices.

REFERENCES

(1) Swami Nischalananda, Insight into Reality, (Kindle Edition, 2019), p393
(2) https://www.mandalayogaashram.com/self-study-course-vigyana-bhairava-tantra
(3) Swami Nischalananda, Insight into Reality, (Kindle Edition, 2019), p387
(4) Jaideva Singh, Pratyabhijna Hridayam, (Sundar Lal Jain, 1963), p30
(5) Paul Eduardo Muller-Ortega, The Triadic Heart of Siva, (State University of New York Press), p71
(6) Ibid. p82
(7) Richard Freeman, The Mirror of Yoga: Awakening the Intelligence of Body and Mind, (Kindle Edition, 2019) p19
(8) This story has a basis in medieval Welsh mythology. In Culhwch and Olwen, Gwyn kills a king called Nwython then feeds his heart to his son. I believe this might evidence an earlier ‘Cult of the Heart’ that preceded the ‘Cult of the Head’ wherein the soul was seen to dwell in the heart and the wisdom of one’s ancestors could be passed on by eating their hearts.

Awareness – Three Guidelines from Gwyn

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Over the past year I have been practicing meditations in the yogic tradition that develop awareness such as antar mouna ‘inner silence’ and ‘spaciousness.’ This has led from the development of my personal practice of being present for my patron, God, Gwyn, to be being aware that I am present. 

Whilst reflecting on this He gave me three guidelines for awareness – 

  1. Be present and aware in both Thisworld and Annwn.
  2. Be aware of Me without and within (I am everywhere).
  3. Spend time in solitude and silence so we can meet in awareness.

Having an awareness practice is very helpful for me as an autistic person who struggles with sensory and emotional overload and tends to disassociate and get lost in thoughts. It helps me stay present and grounded in Thisworld and focused when journeying in the Otherworld.

Being aware of Gwyn in each moment makes awareness a devotional act. Any moment, no matter what’s happening, can be transfigured by the knowledge that He is with me, inspiring me and guiding me. 

The hardest guideline to follow is withdrawing from the busyness of everyday life and quieting my mind enough to find inner silence and meet with Gwyn awareness to awareness but when this happens it works deep magic.

“Meet Me in the place between thoughts,” is a guiding thread running through these guidelines that has helped me, as a nun of Annwn and Bride of Gwyn, to rendezvous with my Beloved in any place and time.

Sister Patience of the Heart of Annwn

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Whilst watching the Carmelcast Podcast on Youtube for its discussions on prayer I noticed the hosts introducing themselves as Brother John Mary of Jesus Crucified and Brother Pier Georgio of Christ the King. This alerted me to the fact many monastics not only take a monastic name but add a dedication to an aspect of their Deity or religion. Other examples include Saint Elizabeth of the Trinity and Sister Mary of the Divine Heart.

Thus I meditated on what aspect of Gwyn or my tradition I’d dedicate myself to. I considered firstly our Monastery of Annwn Nine Faces of Gwyn – Gwyn the Warrior, Gwyn the Hunter, Gwyn the Lover, Gwyn the Dreamer, Gwyn the Inspirer, Gwyn the Reaper, Gwyn the Gatherer, Gwyn the Unknown.

Ten years back I might have chosen Gwyn the Inspirer. As a trainee shamanic practitioner practicing soul retrieval I wondered if Gwyn the Gatherer (of souls) might be apt but it didn’t feel right. I felt drawn to Gwyn the Unknown but that didn’t feel quite right either.

I then contemplated aspects of our tradition such as the Awen. Not as important in my life as it was once was. I gave up and went upstairs to the bathroom and on my way saw what should have been obvious considering that central to our monastery is the Rule of the Heart – the Heart of Annwn. I saw and felt it beating in the depths of the Otherworld and within my own heart. 

“Will you dedicate yourself to the mysteries of my Sacred Heart?” Gwyn asked.

Returning to meditation I agreed and for the first time Gwyn took me into His heart. 

Artwork by Morgannah

A Black Butterfly in Your Heart

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There is a black butterfly in Your heart.
I cannot decipher the meaning
on a bright spring morning
when the May flowers blossom
and all the hawthorns are in bloom.

There is a black butterfly in Your heart.
I cannot decipher the meaning
at midday when the sun burns bright
and Maponos strums a song on His harp
with chords of sunlight brighter than the fires of Bel.

There is a black butterfly in Your heart.
I cannot decipher the meaning
at sunset as the blackbirds sing
the sun down and burning happy dancers dance
and talk and do the things that people do.

There is a black butterfly in Your heart.
I cannot decipher the meaning
until midnight comes and I follow
the funeral procession of the sun into darkness.
Until I walk with the dead sun into the depths of the Otherworld.

~

“Dead sun, dead sun, what are we doing here,
what are we doing here in this darkness,
darker than the dark side of the moon,
darker than the dark side of the sun?

“Dead sun, dead sun, what are we doing here,
what are we doing here in this silence,
more silent than the silence
when the King of Annwn died
and Maponos ceased to play His harp?

“Dead sun, dead sun, what are we doing here,
what are we doing here in this stillness
stiller than the places between
the dance-steps of His faery dancers,
the hoofbeats of the horses of His hunt,
the spaces between the beats of His heart?”

“Come deeper, come deeper,” says the dead sun,
“beneath the world’s chatter and words and images
that paint butterfly colours, come deeper, come deeper.”

~

The dead sun takes me to Your tomb in the Castle of Cold Stone.
Reminds me of how Your castle fell from the skies of Annwn,
circling four-cornered, from the songs of the mead-feast,
from the revelry, from the boiling of the cauldron,
from the passing of the mead-cup,

down, down, down,

into the Abyss,

into the place between
the end and the beginning of life and death,
the end and beginning of words and of worlds…

~

You’re dead – there are no words to express my sorrow.
You’re alive, only sleeping, there are no words to express my hope.

You’re dressed in black as if ready to attend Your own funeral.
Your hair is white and silver as the light of the moon
and the hairs in the manes and tails of the horses of Your hunt.

And Your heart, Your heart is red as the reddest
of the roses of Your queen who forever betrays You on May the first.

For You I plant five red roses in Annwn and a single rose above.

~

For you I sit here in the darkness, the silence, the stillness.
I listen to Your breath and the beating of Your heart.

At first it is felt, not heard, not seen.

Then I hear it, then I see it –
the dark flutter of the butterfly in Your heart.

“What is this? What is this?” My heart flutters in concern.
“Why has a black butterfly come to abide
in the heart of the King of Annwn,
the heart of the Otherworld?”

“Worry not.” Even death does not faze You.
You do not speak like a corpse
but like the most living of the living
and the brightest light in Annwn’s darkness.
“You are the black butterfly who flaps her wings in my heart.”

~

“Did You hear that?” I ask the dead sun. 

The dead sun has already fled – it is morning. 

“Did You hear that?” I ask Maponos.

He has already gone to play His harp.

We’re alone now, my King and I, butterfly and heart,
in the darkness, in the silence, in the solitude,
for a moment before the world’s call forces us to part.

I created this painting at a Beltane focused seasonal creative workshop with Two Birds Therapy and wrote the poem afterwards. It’s based on the dichotomy I always feel at this time of year between the beauty and energy of nature and the sadness of Gwyn’s death and my need to be alone with Him whilst others are celebrating. The black butterfly was the result of a mistake wherein I tried to make Gwyn’s heart redder but instead smudged black into it. For me this gave the piece its meaning.

Prayer – Some Scaffolding

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I’ve recently been re-reading St Teresa of Avila for inspiration on forming a framework for my own practices and experiences of prayer. Teresa’s techniques are complicated and vary as her ideas change over time as evidenced in The Way of the Perfection and The Interior Castle.

During this time I had a dream in which the Mother Superior of an abbey was giving a talk on prayer and told the audience not to mistake the scaffolding for the thing itself. I thought her words were wise but at present feel like I need a little scaffolding as I attempt to build a palace for prayer fit for Gwyn – Annwn’s King. Below, inspired by Teresa, is my scaffolding for prayer.

Formal Prayer

Formal prayers are those that are addressed to the Gods and are often written down and spoken regularly – daily, monthly or at seasonal celebrations. For example prayers of praise (“Gwyn ap Nudd, Lord of Annwn, I adore Your starlit crown”), prayers of thanksgiving (“I thank You, White Son of Mist, for guiding me on the misty ways”) and prayers of celebration (“Hunter in the Skies tonight we honour You as You ride out with Your hunt.” Prayers of petition and intercession might also be included here. “Bull of Battle, with Your horned helmet, strong shield and piercing spear, lend me Your strength”. “Gatherer of Souls please gather the soul of… to Your realm.”

Conversational Prayer

Conversational prayer is less formal and gives the Gods more space to respond. As St Teresa says it is like conversing with a friend. Checking in, asking what They need from us and for Their advice and guidance, listening to Their opinions on how we have served Them throughout the day. “Good morning.” “I’m feeling… how are you?” “How might I serve you best?” “I’ve got this problem.” “Good evening.” “My day’s been… how was yours?” “I messed up, I’m sorry, what do you think and how can I make repairs?”

Conversations with the Gods might take place like those between human persons, like between two friends, with a Deity appearing in human-like form and speaking directly through the inner senses. The Gods might also respond in more nuanced ways, providing us with a feeling or a knowing, they might show us a vision or a sign in nature or gift us with a dream.

The Prayer of Vision

The prayer of vision involves the active visualisation of a Deity. We can visualise our Gods before us, at our altars, or we can use visualisation meditation to visit Them at Their sacred places in Thisworld or the Otherworld. In this type of prayer we often find at the beginning we feel like we’re ‘making it up’ and we are to some degree yet the very act of imagining is sacred and the beginning of the co-creation of a vision that often shifts and takes on a life of its own as we enter deeper communion with our Gods. Spontaneous visions can also occur both in and outside of prayer time.

The Prayer of Silence

Whilst the prayer of vision involves the active use of the imagination and the inner senses the prayer of silence occurs when the faculties are stilled. Here, it is common to experience a deep sense of calm, of quiet, of abiding with a God. As it lacks sensory content it is notoriously difficult to put into words. I experience it as the otherside of Gwyn’s paradoxical nature – the calm within the storm, the hunter waiting patiently before He rides out hunting for souls, His sleep as the Sleeper in Deep Annwn throughout the summer months.

The Prayer of Union

In the prayer of union we not only abide with a God but are united. This is the sacred marriage or hieros gamos wherein we become one with our Gods. This is not only difficult to put into words but on account of its intimate nature is a mystery that is shared between devotee and God alone.

The Prayer of Presence

I’ve come to this type of prayer last but it might as easily have been first or come anywhere in between because it’s the type of prayer that takes place inside and outside set prayer times and can be practiced any time day and night. That is being present, in the moment, for the Gods and those who we are in relationship with in our every daily lives in both the seen and unseen worlds. 

In most religions we find the aspiration towards ‘unceasing prayer’. Every act, if we have but the will and focus, can become an act of prayer – waking, eating, drinking, working, gardening, cleaning, sleeping. It might be argued that the purpose of the types of prayer above is to provide us with the connection and communion with the Gods that enables to lead deeper and richer lives in Thisworld and to be of better service to the land and to others.

To the Spirit of the Sanctuary

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A place of quiet beyond the row,
the heartbeat of Annwn
is Your only sound,
the occasional song rising
like heartbreak from the Deep.

To keep me safe Your invisible roses twine around.

Your forget-me-nots remind me
of the King of Annwn in the summer.

Into You I am gathered by the Gatherer of Souls.
In You, with my Beloved, I am at home.

In You I can heal and I can heal others too.
Into You I gather the lost pieces of our souls.

In You I am complete in every single moment.
In You I can breathe every single breath.
In You my heartbeat is at one
with the heartbeat of Annwn – the heart of my Lord.

So hold me here, until I die, my sacred home.

Guide of Souls Prayer

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I pray to the Gatherer of Souls,
You who waits patiently,
You who works ceaselessly,
gathering the souls of the dead,
being there for those who are on the brink.

May I be a good guide of souls.
May I share and lessen your burden
by guiding others on their paths in this world
and through Your doors and into Annwn.

May I be a good guide of souls
for the living and for the dead.

May I serve You patiently and ceaselessly
on my days of joy and my days of sorrow
on this sacred day and on every day until my end.